You've Got This

Dear Sandy,

Hey! You got this!

What could love be without judgement or opinions? What could relationships be when they flow effortlessly? Would it mean unconditional flow of a beautiful powerful energy? Or would it bathe you in the glow of the morning sun? Or the sharp bite of the afternoon heat? Or perhaps, passionate shades of red and pink as sunset kisses twilight serenading through a dusk that invites repose, an invitation of a constant feeling of sublime joy found in conversations of all sorts of things under a mellow moon? It is okay to wonder about all this. 

You know, love could be so many things. Is it love though to expect to receive as much as you will give and have given? Is it? I know it's a beautiful thing to be included in life's moments shared not in a piece meal of what is gifted in short breaks, but as a constant . You will often ask yourself is it love to want to be included as much as one includes? 

Is it love to want to understand that the sound of someone breathing next to you keeps you up all night? Is it love to be aware that you have been alone so long that you melt and stop breathing simply to stop time? That is an assumption. 

You will learn to get over it. So many questions! Pause! Breathe! Be you.

Think about who you are.  Relate to yourself. Self-love will be the most relatable if you think love is all of what you are wondering about.  Realise that you are sharing every moment of your breath, the randomness of your thoughts, not really judging why they become random when you speak them but flow in better sync inside your head. 

Do know that the most beautiful realisations in your being  that makes you aware of your existence and beauty of your life will sound awkward when you say it aloud? Do not wonder how it chases people away, for, they remain afraid to be who they truly are. Do know it will chase away even the ones you love. However, you must not run away from yourself ever.  It's a frightening prospect for people to speak out their truths. We fear being made fun of, of being ridiculed, of rejection, of abandonment,  of not making our life similar to the defined ‘normal’. Don’t be afraid of standing out. I know it is a lonely place but remember this, it will be okay. It is also okay to find love in another person and thrive in it. Key word being "thrive".

Do not ever wish to be a part of the defined ‘normal’. That is not your destiny. Do not be scared of not being included. That is such a limiting space. Having the courage to break out of that prison we create for ourselves is one of the bravest things one can do. 

Look back and reflect on life. You were unafraid.  Remember the time you walked the brick wall and fell into the water? You almost drowned. You survived that. Surviving the drowning did not require as much courage. Learning to swim and deep dive, to sail and not to panic when the ship collided and you wondered if you’d make it, that is when you were brave. You did it.  You moved on.

You have been constantly asked why you cannot focus on one thing? What makes you do so many things at the same time? “You could be so successful if you could stick to one thing!!” Remember, you must not let that upset you. Your definition of success has never mirrored what the expected norm of worldly successes is. 

You were born. That's a gift of life. That is your reality. You have one life. Do not go looking for success according to parameters set by someone else. Do not ever be disheartened because you aren’t understood the way you wish to be understood. Think about that. Sometimes, even you don’t understand yourself. You have to get to the point of understanding yourself and then you can expect others to try and attempt understanding you. 

You will amount to constant success doing things you want to do as you journey through this life. This is your year. Your dreams have their own path and you will realize them, just not the way the world sees it. 

See no desire to please the world. Your dreams are different. Your dream is to be receptive to what your senses tell you. To be able to experience every sensation, feeling, emotion, for what it is, is critical. 

That is a part of the process of self-love for you. The learning of how to truly feel things comes with a price. It is the price you will pay with loneliness and it’s the experience of this that will lead you to becoming comfortable with being alone. That is not new for you. You have done this before and journeyed to that space. You can again. 

Look at it this way, you are learning a lesson again at getting past that which is most difficult, just differently. I understand the sadness you feel right now, but you have come a long way from feeling deep anger, to being upset, to understanding that anger really was a front behind which lived the feeling of deep sadness. 

Realise you are not as angry as you are sad. It had just been easier to be angry. Now that you have acknowledged you are sad, you have to step to handling that. Healing and forgiveness is a painful process you will have to go through. That is unavoidable. 

You are going to be your greatest love affair. That is where you're headed, towards self- love; no matter how futile and despairing it seems right. 

You are now living in this space of hopefully becoming, of being the best version of you. Right now, it feels frustrating and painful. You feel like an imposter and you are wondering if all you’ve done is untrue. Yet, you know, you look at yourself in the eye when you look at a mirror every single day, no matter what the pain, joy, sadness, laughter in your eye. 

I know better. I am your future. You are simply in a tough space right now but this is not your whole life. The courage to swim again, to dive, to love, to walk away from that which stops you from being you – remember the universe loves you. You may be a tiny speck in the vastness of this infinity. You are! But the universe is as much inside you as it is outside. Be. I love you. You got this.

© Sandhya Suri